27 things I learned from online dating

1 Oct

27 things I learned from online dating:  (all from real-life actual events that happened to me)

1. When you think “OMG that 60-year-old guy still looks like he is in his 20s” that’s because he posted his high school graduation photo.
2. Bi-Polar isn’t “easily treated with modern-day drugs.”
3. It is not statistically accurate that “most people have sex on the second date” even if they guy is an MD and says it in a serious voice.
4. Ibuprofen with last night’s leftover beer is not a normal breakfast.
5. A gift of red satin sheets comes with an unspoken – unexpected – price tag!
6. Paranoid schitzophrenic is not the same as eccentric or “quirky.”
7. If his marriage ended because he couldn’t decide if he was gay, straight or bi-, you don’t need to be the one to help him figure it out.
8. Guys’ balls don’t actually turn blue and if they do it’s not your problem.
9. If you meet at a nice restaurant, chat for 50 minutes sipping only water and then he says he’s ready to leave, it’s okay to ditch him, cry and give the kind waitress a $20 tip.
10. “A few extra pounds” and 200 extra pounds are two different things.
11. If he is still living with his mother (or X-wife) run for your life.
12. If he says he is more comfortable talking on the phone while in bed and starts saying weird stuff he is not just laying there. HANG UP.
13. If he invites you over after dark and pulls down all the shades in the house for fear a neighbor finds out he is dating, he is probably married.
14. If he brings you a large bag with 16 individually wrapped gifts on your first date, don’t give him your real name or phone number.
15. If same guy emails you one year after first date and says he will be waiting, same spot, same time every year until you realize you are soulmates, visit cops.
16. “Ghost hunter” is not a real career.
17. If he can’t remember what he said, did or wrote the night before, it’s called a blackout and he is an alcoholic.
18. Men with guts so large they can’t see their own shoes insist on women being “Fit, slim and active” and don’t see why that’s hilarious.
19. If the profile says they like to hike it means they have a pair of sneakers and have considered walking more than to their own mailbox or back when they were a Boy Scout they hiked.
20. If the age range he is looking for in a date does not include his own age, delete him.
21. If you ask them their favorite book it is usually something they had to read back in college or a book that they have on their bookshelf and plan to read someday…
22. If their photo is chopped off with a female’s long hair in the edge, they aren’t ready to date yet.
23. If they don’t wear a shirt and/or wear sunglasses in their profile picture..NO.
24. If they bring their children or grandchildren to the first date, be worried.
25. My friend taught me this….if they fall in love with you on the first date or within the first month, something’s not right.
26. If he needs to share lots of the details about how terrible his X-wife is and how miserable his life is, etc… He needs a therapist, not you.
27. If he rides his bike 24 miles to the restaurant for the date and insists on sharing food from his backpack rather than order from the menu, try to find a way to leave quickly.
28. If he makes you a meal from things he found in the community compost pile, even if it is heated so that germs are killed, this is not normal.
29. If he is living for free at various friends homes because he hasn’t had a job in 5 years but animals love him dearly, the first trumps the last.
30. If he has to push hard to get the door open and then clear a path to maneuver through his home this is called hoarding and can be a difficult thing to overcome.

31. Most men would not confess, “I’m noticing an uprising in the penile colony” after a first (brief) kiss. At least I hope not.

32. If he invites you to his home because he has a gift for you and you sit on the couch to chat a bit, do not entertain his suggestion that “it’s so much easier to talk lying down; do you want to go to my room” (this is before you even had a date!)

33. If he talks non-stop for over an hour about his prior relationships, children, childhood and you try to politely ask a question and he bites your head off for interrupting him, he is not a suitable partner, even if your therapist told you some men are lonely and need to talk a lot on the first date.

34. If he has an oozing sore on his lip it is not “nothing” — he is spreading herpes even though he is a practicing MD. Run fast.

35. If he is 71 and never had a long-term relationship, don’t be surprised if he just wants to email for 6 months as he gets to know you…..

36. If he tells you that his three marriages ended because he fell in love with someone else, he is a jerk and you aren’t going to be the one he finally can be faithful to.

37. If he says “I love you,” “I want to meet your mother,” “you are just what I need to cure my impotence,” or similar things he is just fishing till he hits on the phrase that will make you say “yes.”

38. If he tells you that he has to be careful that his 25-year-old daughter does not find out that he is dating because they have such a special relationship, it’s over.

39. If his children don’t like him/have not had contact with him for 3 years, that is a deal breaker.

40. If your first weeks of emails and first dates involve extensive long descriptions of his installation of his new furnace, with photos and diagrams, he is looking for a mechanical expert and not a romantic partner.


One Response to “27 things I learned from online dating”

  1. peacerunjet October 2, 2016 at 1:07 pm #

    The good news is…I came through it all with humor, self-love and pride that I was brave enough to try it! And…my story isn’t done yet ❤

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